Last Friday I had an anxiety attack in Nairobi.
Now, before you arrange/demand my immediate return to the USA, let me explain.
Thursday evening, I was asked to accompany a missionary and his Kenyan secretary to Nairobi for propriety sake. Since there was not much for me to do in Kijabe on Friday, I agreed to go.
I did not sleep well Thursday night because of incessant nightmares. But all the same, I got up Friday morning and went about my business until the three of us left for Nairobi.
The morning was uneventful, he had a meeting so she and I hung out in the food court at the shopping center. she had a dentist appointment after lunch so we were free until then. I got a little work done on my (temporary) laptop and we walked around a bit. Nothing really exciting.
After lunch, the secretary went to her appointment and the missionary and I went to find a fuse for my converter. After an hour of unsuccessfully searching for the right fuse. We headed back to the shopping center to pick up the secretary.
WELL, then things happened. A policeman waved us over to the side of the road (aka. Our car got pulled over by the policeman.) right outside the shopping center. The policeman told us that we had turned without signalling. (We had signaled, but you never argue outright with a Kenyan Policeman.) He was going to charge us with reckless driving, an offense carrying a fine of over $1,000. He told us we "could finish this right here" and not go to court if we paid him. However, as a missionary, God calls us to follow and obey Him and bribery is wrong, not to mention illegal in Kenya. The missionary (He was driving) told the officer that he was a missionary and would not do anything that would bring shame on someone, even in the appearance of paying a bribe. The policeman told us that we would have to go down to the courthouse and that the missionary would be locked up until he could pay the fine. The missionary said "whatever it takes, do what you have to do." Neither of us had ever met a policeman who was SO insistent on a bribe!
Well, the officer left the window and said he needed to speak with his supervisor.
So, the last paragraph describes the facts. Here is my side. When I see the policeman wave us over, I wonder what is going on. When he leans in my window, 6 inches from my face, I get nervous. When he explains why he pulled us over, I start getting anxious. 100,000 Kenyan Shillings (over $1,000) is A LOT OF MONEY! When the officer starts pushing for a bribe, I get lightheaded and pale. Did I mention his radio at full volume was right beside my ear? I tried to lean my seat back, the officer reacted. I explained about the radio and he turned it off and I sat back up. As the policeman continued to hassle and push for a bribe, I continued to lose my sense of reality and almost passed out once. When the officer left to "speak with his supervisor", I leaned back my seat and before I could stop it had an almost full-blown anxiety attack, in the car, in front of the missionary. I was SOOOOOO embarrassed! The harder I tried to stop it, the worse it got!
I don't exactly know what happened next, but the car started moving and the policeman was gone.
I finally caught my breath and asked the missionary to pray with me and then I was able to calm down. The missionary explained what had happened during my attack and the policeman's reaction. When the missionary saw that I was having an anxiety attack, he felt sorry for me, but thought "this is perfect." He told me I should have seen the look on the policeman's face when he saw me shaking and screaming and asked if I was okay. When the missionary answered no, the policeman told us we could go.
By the time we had found a parking space at the shopping center, I had regained my calm though physically drained. The missionary even had me laughing about the whole situation!
Since the day was hot, I decided to go into the shopping center and help the missionary get the groceries he needed. Thank goodness for shopping carts! They make great walkers when you feel weak!!!!!!! hehe!
The moral of all this is that God uses even the most scary and embarrassing things to His glory! God used one of my biggest weaknesses to show HIS power in getting us out of a potentially horrible situation. Not all police in Kenya are corrupt, but God took care of us when we met this corrupt one.
1 Thessalonians 5: 18 says to "give thanks in all circumstances." Well, I guess that means I should give thanks for my anxiety attacks! I may do my best to control my anxiety and emotions, but I have to be willing to let God use them for His Glory in His Time.
PS. I lost my voice from the screaming.
More on my life soon....
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
Trust
Why is trusting SO hard?
How many times has God come through for me and yet I still struggle to trust Him entirely?
It is so much easier sometimes to try and take control yourself, especially when God is not working in your timing.
Being in Kenya has shown me a lot about trust and where it should or shouldn't be placed. There is a saying that goes, "once injured, twice shy." That describes me pretty well in terms of trusting. Unfortunately, I also struggle with generalizing and therefore, if someone breaks my trust, anyone I met at around the same time or in the same situation suffers from that breach of confidence.
Case 1:
Setting: My house
Situation: The contents of my first aid kit and some money are missing
Characters: Two young kenyan ladies from different families
Neither of them admits to taking the money or the first aid supplies. So, in an effort to be fair, neither are allowed any more into my house without close supervision.
That should be the end, right? But no, since my trust in them is broken, my trust in their entire family and their friends is threatened. I have become overly suspicious of anyone entering my home. I struggle to trust even those I know are trustworthy and have an excellent reputation in Kijabe. WHY?
What is trust? Can you trust someone only partially? OR Does it mean that you have full and entire confidence in that person?
Case 2:
Setting: My life
Characters: God and me
Situation: My problems, struggles, and seemingly impossible obstacles
God saw fit to bring me into a personal relationship with Him very early in my life. As I grew older, he taught me more about what it means to be a Christian and how to follow Him. Only by His Grace and help did I make it through my adolescent years. He called me to serve him in missions and then provided me with ways to follow His Calling. God has worked out situations at the last minute, but in His Timing. He supernaturally orchestrated my arrival and ability to work and live in Kenya.
So, if He has come through and worked out SO MANY things in my life thus far, WHY OH WHY do I struggle to trust Him when my computer breaks?
Here's the story:
When my parents came out to Kenya last summer, they brought me over a new laptop because my old one no longer worked. It was supposed to be the toughest computer out there. Within the first few months the back USB port stopped working. Then, a second USB port stopped working with my modem. Now, within the last month, my final USB port started having problems. I have one month left on my warranty, so I called the technical support number.
Another missionary friend had also spoken to the tech support from this company and had warned me of the connection difficulties I might have.
However, when I called and was transferred to the right person, the whole call took less than 15 minutes! And that was even with being put on hold a couple of times!
1 point for God!
In the past, when I have called technical services for my computers, the person is Indian, Asian, or Hispanic, and while I have no problem/issue with any of these people as human beings or people, sometimes understanding them is difficult because of phone connection quality and accent. Imagine my surprise and delight when the man on the other end had a deep southern accent! What I blessing! I could understand every word he said. (Though we had to repeat ourselves a couple of times because of the internet connection.)
2 points for GOD!
This all happened on Wednesday night. All day Wednesday, I had been trying to back up my computer so I wouldn't lose any information when I sent it back to the computer company. Three time the back up had crashed. After talking with Technical support, I started the backing up the computer a fourth time and began worrying that I would never get a full back-up. Why was I worried? Hadn't God already come through for me twice just that day?
I found out that there were three ladies leaving on Thursday and one of these said she was willing to take the computer. Now, if only I could get the computer to backup itself.
Tic-toc, tic-toc. It's past 10 pm and I am still waiting for the back up to finish. It's at 64%. I use the time to talk to my family and a couple friends over the internet. Tic-toc, tic-toc. It is 11:15pm. I am falling asleep, but the back up successfully completed. Praise the LORD!
3 points for GOD!
I left the computer with the guard at CURE because I had to meet the 5am bus from Kijabe to Nairobi on Thursday and didn't know if I would be back in time to get the computer to the lady who volunteered to carry it.
Well, Thursday morning came too fast. I caught the bus (which was early), we hit minimal traffic, and it dropped me off much closer to my connecting station then I expected. The connecting bus filled quickly and I arrived at my destination an hour earlier than expected. Wonderful! Things were moving smoothly!
4 points God!
Now, by this point you should see that God has been providing for me in SO many ways over the last 15 hours and I should be trusting him to get me through the next 15, right?
Well, the Bible says, "The testing of your faith produces perseverance."
Enter testing. The lady who was going to carry my computer started having second thoughts. Once I finished what I needed to do in Nairobi, I hurried back to Kijabe. Half and hour before I arrived, I got a call from the lady saying that she couldn't take it. Now, what was I going to do? No one else from Lower Station Kijabe (where I live and work) was going to the States until mid June and that was too late.
But why was I worrying?
Hadn't God worked things out so far?
Where was my trust?
I know in my heart, but my head isn't following!
I arrived back in Kijabe, picked up my computer and prayed.
Then, it hit me, "What about RVA?"
I quickly called and found out that someone was leaving that very day for the US and might be willing to carry it for me. I tried calling the places the guy might be, but to no avail.So, since I needed to go up to RVA anyway, I picked up my computer and bags and headed up to the school (RVA). I met my Missionary friend, the one who recently sent his computer to the States for repair, and he helped me track down the departing missionary, Lamar. Lamar was very willing to carry the computer and it also gave him an excuse to purchase one of the snazzy RVA computer bags for his computer in the States! (He preferred this option over taking my bag and then having to send it to my parents.) He left last night and my computer is safely on its way to the US. This is an even better situation than the one that fell through before!!!!!
Now, why was I SO WORRIED? Why can I trust God with the big things like salvation from eternal punishment, yet I struggle to trust Him in the little things like getting a computer over the ocean in time for it to be repaired?
GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES! Why do I worry?
I think I need some supernatural help in trusting those who deserve it!
God Bless!
How many times has God come through for me and yet I still struggle to trust Him entirely?
It is so much easier sometimes to try and take control yourself, especially when God is not working in your timing.
Being in Kenya has shown me a lot about trust and where it should or shouldn't be placed. There is a saying that goes, "once injured, twice shy." That describes me pretty well in terms of trusting. Unfortunately, I also struggle with generalizing and therefore, if someone breaks my trust, anyone I met at around the same time or in the same situation suffers from that breach of confidence.
Case 1:
Setting: My house
Situation: The contents of my first aid kit and some money are missing
Characters: Two young kenyan ladies from different families
Neither of them admits to taking the money or the first aid supplies. So, in an effort to be fair, neither are allowed any more into my house without close supervision.
That should be the end, right? But no, since my trust in them is broken, my trust in their entire family and their friends is threatened. I have become overly suspicious of anyone entering my home. I struggle to trust even those I know are trustworthy and have an excellent reputation in Kijabe. WHY?
What is trust? Can you trust someone only partially? OR Does it mean that you have full and entire confidence in that person?
Case 2:
Setting: My life
Characters: God and me
Situation: My problems, struggles, and seemingly impossible obstacles
God saw fit to bring me into a personal relationship with Him very early in my life. As I grew older, he taught me more about what it means to be a Christian and how to follow Him. Only by His Grace and help did I make it through my adolescent years. He called me to serve him in missions and then provided me with ways to follow His Calling. God has worked out situations at the last minute, but in His Timing. He supernaturally orchestrated my arrival and ability to work and live in Kenya.
So, if He has come through and worked out SO MANY things in my life thus far, WHY OH WHY do I struggle to trust Him when my computer breaks?
Here's the story:
When my parents came out to Kenya last summer, they brought me over a new laptop because my old one no longer worked. It was supposed to be the toughest computer out there. Within the first few months the back USB port stopped working. Then, a second USB port stopped working with my modem. Now, within the last month, my final USB port started having problems. I have one month left on my warranty, so I called the technical support number.
Another missionary friend had also spoken to the tech support from this company and had warned me of the connection difficulties I might have.
However, when I called and was transferred to the right person, the whole call took less than 15 minutes! And that was even with being put on hold a couple of times!
1 point for God!
In the past, when I have called technical services for my computers, the person is Indian, Asian, or Hispanic, and while I have no problem/issue with any of these people as human beings or people, sometimes understanding them is difficult because of phone connection quality and accent. Imagine my surprise and delight when the man on the other end had a deep southern accent! What I blessing! I could understand every word he said. (Though we had to repeat ourselves a couple of times because of the internet connection.)
2 points for GOD!
This all happened on Wednesday night. All day Wednesday, I had been trying to back up my computer so I wouldn't lose any information when I sent it back to the computer company. Three time the back up had crashed. After talking with Technical support, I started the backing up the computer a fourth time and began worrying that I would never get a full back-up. Why was I worried? Hadn't God already come through for me twice just that day?
I found out that there were three ladies leaving on Thursday and one of these said she was willing to take the computer. Now, if only I could get the computer to backup itself.
Tic-toc, tic-toc. It's past 10 pm and I am still waiting for the back up to finish. It's at 64%. I use the time to talk to my family and a couple friends over the internet. Tic-toc, tic-toc. It is 11:15pm. I am falling asleep, but the back up successfully completed. Praise the LORD!
3 points for GOD!
I left the computer with the guard at CURE because I had to meet the 5am bus from Kijabe to Nairobi on Thursday and didn't know if I would be back in time to get the computer to the lady who volunteered to carry it.
Well, Thursday morning came too fast. I caught the bus (which was early), we hit minimal traffic, and it dropped me off much closer to my connecting station then I expected. The connecting bus filled quickly and I arrived at my destination an hour earlier than expected. Wonderful! Things were moving smoothly!
4 points God!
Now, by this point you should see that God has been providing for me in SO many ways over the last 15 hours and I should be trusting him to get me through the next 15, right?
Well, the Bible says, "The testing of your faith produces perseverance."
Enter testing. The lady who was going to carry my computer started having second thoughts. Once I finished what I needed to do in Nairobi, I hurried back to Kijabe. Half and hour before I arrived, I got a call from the lady saying that she couldn't take it. Now, what was I going to do? No one else from Lower Station Kijabe (where I live and work) was going to the States until mid June and that was too late.
But why was I worrying?
Hadn't God worked things out so far?
Where was my trust?
I know in my heart, but my head isn't following!
I arrived back in Kijabe, picked up my computer and prayed.
Then, it hit me, "What about RVA?"
I quickly called and found out that someone was leaving that very day for the US and might be willing to carry it for me. I tried calling the places the guy might be, but to no avail.So, since I needed to go up to RVA anyway, I picked up my computer and bags and headed up to the school (RVA). I met my Missionary friend, the one who recently sent his computer to the States for repair, and he helped me track down the departing missionary, Lamar. Lamar was very willing to carry the computer and it also gave him an excuse to purchase one of the snazzy RVA computer bags for his computer in the States! (He preferred this option over taking my bag and then having to send it to my parents.) He left last night and my computer is safely on its way to the US. This is an even better situation than the one that fell through before!!!!!
Now, why was I SO WORRIED? Why can I trust God with the big things like salvation from eternal punishment, yet I struggle to trust Him in the little things like getting a computer over the ocean in time for it to be repaired?
GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES! Why do I worry?
I think I need some supernatural help in trusting those who deserve it!
God Bless!
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